Becoming a parent early in life and raising a single child can make one obsessive, sometimes. Thinking back, I recall myself fussing over every little detail, every action and reaction of my son, Arjun, particularly in his initial years. Though gradually one does learn to let go, I began to take it a little easy only once my son entered the double-digit years. Now that he is about to become a teen, I get frequent feelers that I need to back off and just let him be.
When a child is younger, everything they do or say is adorable, or cute as we call it. However, by the age of seven or eight, one perhaps begins expecting the child to behave sensibly and become independent in thought and in action. It did happen with me.
As a stay-at-home mother in the first few years, I took pride in the special and unique bond I had formed with my child. As the years passed and I started working, I had less time and little energy to tend to every little detail of his day. His frequent ‘approval seeking behavior’ or ‘awaiting my assistance in doing things’ began to bother me, and sometimes even left me irritated. Interestingly, these were the very things that would make me feel important and needed earlier.
Soon, I began to notice his lack of decision-making or the habit (not the need) to seek my help for the smallest of tasks. Of course, he was only doing what he had been conditioned to do, but I could not help but complain about why he could not decide what to wear or which book to read.
Thanks to his father’s intervention, better sense prevailed and soon I realized that it was time for me to do some introspection. I had to confess to myself that it was me who had set the tone for such behavior—from picking out his clothes every day, to guiding him on trivial matters—I had become in charge of his life, telling him what to do and even how to do it.
As they say, children are like clay and hence, can be molded in any which way. In my experience, remodeling is tough, both for the parent as well as the child. But it is not impossible. It needs time and patience but it works.
Thus, I began to incorporate subtle changes in our day-to-day life, to help my child become decisive, and more importantly, to make him feel that he could take good decisions.
Sharing some things that worked for me:
1. Giving him control: “Decide what you want to do with your time. Chalk out a schedule, and do what you think is best.” Letting go of control was hard, but I realized it was time that I came around to doing it, if I wanted my child to thrive as an independent individual.
2. Seeking his opinion: Arjun is now almost 13 and is gradually developing opinions of his own. We actively seek him out on family decisions. This way, we get to have a new perspective on things and he feels included and important. It’s a win-win.
3. Let him decide, good or bad: Sometimes children learn only by consequences. As long as it is not a matter of safety, I let my child take a decision and learn through the consequences, which may or may not be always be in his favor. This helps me in getting a pertinent point across without much ado – that whatever choices we make, we must be ready to accept the outcome and learn from it.
4. Getting back to doing things I love: For me, this has been one of the easiest ways of giving my child his space. When I divert my attention to activities that give me joy, I have less time to fuss over him, and that in turn, gives him opportunities to make little choices that strengthen his decision-making ability.
Gradually, I have also learnt not to be too harsh on myself thinking of the things I could have done better as a parent. Being a young first-time mother, what I did was perhaps naturally instinctive, or perhaps my way of protecting and guiding my child. At that time, I didn’t know any better, and at this point, l am trying to understand how to raise a teen. Just figuring out, like you are, one day at a time!
I am sure, that as a parent, you too have some insights and realizations to share. Do share your learning being a parent in the comment section below.
